Humour Quotes - Page 5

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn’t, it had a lot of explaining to do.

I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the “Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

Smirking, he says, "Whatever spell you just tried to cast on me, it didn't work, so I think you need to go back to Hogwarts.

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

I'll go," he said.
"And that's safer because?"
"I'm a guy."
"Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!!