Humour Quotes - Page 3

I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.

Everywhere I go, I am asked if I think university stifles writers. My opinion is that it doesn't stifle enough of them.

I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him.

Polysyllables obfuscate a preponderant ignorance with so much more style and panache.

While an author is yet living we estimate his powers by his worst performance, and when he is dead we rate them by his best.

No, she laughed." How on earth could that be done? If you try to laugh and say ‘No’ at the same time, it sounds like neighing - yet people are perpetually doing it in novels. If they did it in real life they would be locked up.

The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good.

Sometimes the body gets out of bed an hour before the brain.

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

Having had virtually no contact with the outside world for the last few weeks, Evan had temporarily forgotten the social norms governing shopping conduct or approaching celebrities in public.

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that?

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture...

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

Another one of your quippy japes?

People should think that being a writer is cool. Even if you’re just a starving writer. Besides, most great writers were starving at one point or another. It comes with the title.

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!!

Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.