Humour Quotes - Page 17

I'm as religious as the next man - which is to say I'll keep in with the local parson for form's sake and read the lessons on feast-days because my tenants expect it, but I've never been fool enough to confuse religion with belief in God. That's where so many clergymen... go wrong

A halo is a cock ring for the soul.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Hundreds of hysterical persons must confuse these phenomena with messages from the beyond and take their glory to the bishop rather than the eye doctor.

Look!" Hawkeye said.
Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious to all about him, was Major Jonathan Hobson.
"Jesus," Hawkeye said.
"It don't look like Him," Duke said.

We could all use the power of prayer now and then, but it seems to me that the people who are sure they have a direct line to heaven are most often calling collect with bad news.

If it’s God you’re worried about, the Lord Jesus said that we needn’t keep to the old ways anymore. They had their day years ago.

- Ci sono divergenze di natura teologica su... Vediamo, per esempio sulla raffigurazione latina del purgatorio.
- C'è qualcuno a cui frega una cippa di minchia della raffigurazione latina del purgatorio? - reagisce Dio, versandosi dell'altro caffè.

People throw stones at you and you convert them into milestones.

No," I agreed. "The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?"
"That's up to you to decide. Tell you what, we'll do it for fun someday when you're really bored.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

It is the most fun I’m ever going to have. I love to write. I love it. I mean, there’s nothing in the world I like better, and that includes sex, probably because I’m so very bad at it. It’s the greatest peace when I’m in a scene, and it’s just me and the character, that’s it, that’s where I want to live my life.

There is hardly less torment in running a family than in running a country.

It is observed that Failed people can give a successful talk on hardwork.

When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.'" - Lockie

Just because he likes the same bizzaro crap as you doesn't mean he's your soul mate.

Darling, whose book is this to be?"

"Ostensibly yours, my sweet"

"I see - rather like my life since I met you?"

"Yes darling

Because, Jack, you volunteered to be taken down into eternal torment in place of her. This is the absolute minimum (unless I'm mistaken) that any female requires from her man.

They're horrible little creatures. All snot and smelly feet and pestering questions."

"Then why did you go into teaching?"

"It was either that or sit at home with Mother all day. I picked the lesser of two evils.