Humorous Quotes - Page 9

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:
~people applaud you incessantly.
~love you more than their parents.
~give you a daily bread.

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

I welcome reviews from all readers. I take criticism well; but please . . . no comments on my author face!

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls...

Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed - and it worried him.

They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally.

They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.

He was thirty-six years old, and six foot three. He spoke English to people and French to cats, and Latin to the birds. He had once nearly killed himself trying to read and ride a horse at the same time.

Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!

Most beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!

What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your kitchen.

The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies.

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

You'll let me put a total stranger's piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass up. But you know, I'd rather eat Ebola pudding than let your sad little dick near me." She wiggled her fingers as she slipped past him. "Toodles" Oh, he needed to tap that.

The only thing more difficult than persuading someone else to start having sex with you is persuading yourself to stop.

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.

I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.

Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.