Humorous Quotes - Page 7

I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.

A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.

I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.

I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.

It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect.

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.

That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.