Humorous Quotes

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.

People who always arrive early aren't worth waiting for.

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.

Why had his mother gone to the trouble of bringing him into the world if the most exciting moment in his life was having been made lame by a bayonet?

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...

I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans

It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane.

To be successful in life , Plan, Implement, Revise, Update, and Build on Change.