Humor Quotes - Page 3

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

Are you always a smartass?'

Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.