Humor Quotes - Page 18

You nicked-named my daughter after the Lock Ness Monster!

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.

They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

Every now and then I like to do as I'm told, just to confuse people.

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.