Humor Quotes - Page 17

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.

To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read - unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Life sucks, and then you die...

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.

It's really funny.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.