Humor Quotes - Page 11

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

Happiness is a warm puppy.