Funny Quotes - Page 3

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Sane is boring.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

Please, touch me, I pray.

In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.

A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.

I was flipping channels, watching this cheerleading program on MTV. They took a field hockey girl and “transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.