Funny Quotes - Page 16

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

I have to return some videotapes

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”

“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Marry me, he says. I got all my own teeth, I wash twice a year an I'll cut you in fer half the business here.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat.

Bite me, Goth princess,” Shane called from the back. “Not literally or anything.”
“Maybe you should say that to Michael.”
“Not funny, Eve,” Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. “Little bit,” she said.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, "You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!