Funny Quotes - Page 11

Some things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that your family will piss you off.

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab.

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia - but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

I feel no grief for being called something
which
I am not;
in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a good
back rub

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".

I had a dream about you. I licked your cone of ice cream. It was envelope flavored.

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

All lines are gray in the dark.

If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

It's just... You sound like lorde. But like, with maple syrup.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hide
I smell the blood of a petty little coward

People change, just wait

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.

Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever.

Regular people are used to rudeness; we get it all the time, we're inured to it. The wealthy aren't; it hurts their feelings, or whatever they have in there.

Most people are idiots

If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves