Funny Quotes - Page 10

Why write about the past? Well, there's more of it.

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true that she had married Bob Duport. She nodded; not exactly conveying, it seemed to me, that by some happy chance their union had introduced her to an unexpected terrestrial paradise.

No chimpanzee husband would stand by while his wife lost all her coconuts.

Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.

A large proportion of mankind, like pigeons and partridges, on reaching maturity, having passed through a period of playfulness or promiscuity, establish what they hope and expect will be a permanent and fertile mating relationship. This we call marriage.

For every guy who loves being a dad, there’s another who realizes too late that he’s created something his wife loves more than him.

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.

In my sleep I have my nightmares, awake I have my thoughts, I am not sure which is worse.

I had a horrible feeling my leg was broken. If it wasn’t, it had a lot of explaining to do.

I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the “Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

I come from a long line of miserable people.

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.