Funny And Random Quotes

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

World domination is just my side gig.

Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago."
"Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

I envy the man to snatch him up. This will be the only time in life I’m siding with Freud and experiencing ‘penis envy’. There will never be a repeat. Can’t be associated with too much crazy, I’m juggling enough on my own.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.