Steven Wright Quotes - Page 3

A metaphor is like a simile.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.