Steven Wright Quotes - Page 2

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?