Steven Wright Quotes

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?