Stephen Colbert Quotes

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying to
make them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God put
them here to do: Everything.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.
(Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists - they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.