Karl Pilkington Quotes

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

A dog has got human eyes.

I could eat a knob at night.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.