Jon Stewart Quotes

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe - dare I dream it? - maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.