Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 2

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed.

Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Trovo la televisione molto educativa. Ogni volta che qualcuno la accende, vado in biblioteca e leggo un buon libro.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.