George Carlin Quotes - Page 4

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

Life is tough, then you die.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

No art is possible without a dance with death.

[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bullshit they teach you in school.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.