George Carlin Quotes - Page 3

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me - they’re cramming for their final exam.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.