George Carlin Quotes

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.