Eugene Mirman Quotes

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys-either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. (You're totally welcome, guys. P.S. Girls can't see this sentence!!!!!)

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.