Erma Bombeck Quotes

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Housework can kill you if done right.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.