Craig Ferguson Quotes - Page 2

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly-headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me.

Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.