Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 2

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.