Bill Maher Quotes - Page 2

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.

We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue-or they win! No, when you become smarter and less gluttonous, you win. We all win!

Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler.

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it!

Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car.

We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price-but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don't care how.

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed.

This is the opposite of the free market.

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House-until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel.

New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust.

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth.

Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag-they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.

Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself-you're not drunk enough.