Bauvard Quotes - Page 3

I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

I've never had an intelligent conversation with a beautiful woman. But then, I've never had an intelligent conversation. Or talked to a beautiful woman.

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.