Bauvard Quotes - Page 2

I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.

If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.

I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.

People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.

Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.

If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.

Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.

I don’t know the kind of person I’ll be tomorrow, but I’ll be able to look back on yesterday and ask “What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

Bachelorhood: all the fun of married life and more prosperity, leaving lots of descendants to boast of their father’s memory to their fellow inmates.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.

I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.