Bauvard Quotes

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s nightmares.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Housewife: a position requiring great ambition to fill. Must have the determination to scrub mold, the good taste to distribute a checking account, and the good will to repeat this at a maid service or department store after her husband starts coming home drunk.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.