Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'.

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.